J Red doesn't have a sign for my name yet, so I'll just go with M for now. I'm a protector/defender, but I'm not assigned to just one person in the system. I protect/defend my system...
Anyway, I was reading the spouse's blog and I finally know why I've been wanting to just get up and go... To take our two children and bounce. There's never been anything for me here, and now i know why. Its because we don't have what we need. Our SO doesn't have what it takes to give us what we need to heal and thrive. He's too selfish. He would rather hop on his video games immediately after waking than give Bug a proper breakfast, or heat up a bottle for Junebug.
He'd rather pester us for sexual favors when he knows that a lot of us aren't too keen on doing things like that, because its part of our trauma. He could care less about research, or putting our needs first. He doesn't want to sacrifice, which is why Bug is still in diapers, when he could be fully potty trained/learned right now...
It's why everything is typically calmer when he's gone to work... Hell, now that I think about it it's prolly why Bug is as HN as he is. Bug seems to be an empath, and picks up on energy and emotions rather easily, and there's always a lot of stress in the house it seems and usually doesn't calm down until the SO goes to work. Once he leaves, we're suddenly so exhausted we feel like we're about to pass out.
I've been feeling rather guilty (that's the best way I can describe it) for wanting to leave for the longest. And now I finally know why, thanks to that spouse. Now I know why we feel like things haven't changed, even though things actually have.
So now it my turn to see the T. Not only to prove our existence (or at least mine) but to get her help on getting out of the situation we're in, or at least find a comfortable way of waiting it out until October.
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