I live in the
dark…
I am one who
lives in the closet about my condition… Not because I am unaware… But because I
cannot find help. I cannot find understanding. I walk this earth and feel like
I am walking to my death.
I am not “crazy”.
I am not a
danger.
We are one
soul, one being… And all we want is to be ourselves.
To not be ignored
because I can’t talk.
T-To n-not
b-be s-s-cared…
To be happy
To be safe
To be left
the hell alone by those we wish not to interact with.
Ta not be
judged cuz we ain’t wired like “normal” people
For the world
to know and empathize.
We want
empathy. We want understanding. I don’t need my mental acuity questioned. I
already know I’m different. I am
aware that my mind is viewed as shattered by the rest of the world. I do not
want your pity, your scorn.
But it is not
just DID that we keep behind closed doors.
It is the
PTSD, the anxiety, the depression… The constant, chronic fatigue. The massive
headaches that quickly turn to migraines. The light sensitivity that can easily
blind us. The overwhelming pain of the depression and anxiety telling us we
will never measure up. That we can’t do this or that, when the world expects us
to. When the people around us look at us like we are trash, condemning us for
something we try our hardest to fight.
Mental
illness is not something we chose so happily to bear. Our body goes haywire at
the slightest touch or noise. Our anxiety makes us abhore most close contact,
our childhood makes us abhore being around people in general.
I am not
standoffish. Aloof yes, but put yourself in my shoes:
I grew up
with domestic violence in the house.
I was abused in
many ways.
I was a ward
of the state, a foster child, and bounced from home to home.
My anxiety
makes my body go haywire, my depression drains the life out of me. My empathic
abilities mean I am constantly bombarded by the feelings and energy of others,
and when I’m in a crowd not only is that worse, but so is my anxiety.
I have panic
attacks that are never obvious- I have learned to hide them.
My senses are
overactive, my nose, my ears my sense of taste and touch. My physical sight might
be off but I see much more than you think.
I am Legion,
for we are many… But I am just like you. I want peace, I want to live a life
that is as normal as possible. The members of my clan are individuals too, and
should be treated as such.
But we are
not, because the world fears the unknown, and instead of using their
compassion, all we get is judgement and scorn, which makes things far worse.
The world
turns around you, one who is “normal”, one who is “mentally whole”. For us, for
people like me, the world is against us.
We are not
broken, we are not “crazy”, we are not dangerous. We are fighters, survivors of
some of the worst things imaginable. We did not ask for this. We did not want
this. This is not something that will magically disappear. This is our normal,
how we survived and fought to live another day. We are moms and dads, aunts and
uncles, children or adults. We are white, black, Native American, Russian or
Japanese.
We have PTSD,
Bipolar Disorder, we can even also be Schizophrenic and depressed. We can be
blind, deaf or wheelchair bound.
We are still human. And we
deserve compassion and love, not pity, judgement and scorn.
