April 4, 2018 Whomever

I'm not sure where to start. I was just told about this blog...
I suppose I should start by introducing myself. I don't have a name and I don't speak. we were learning American Sign Language (ASL) but we stopped because we started school. I want to pick up again...

M
I'm SO fucking tired of this shit. Fucking bureaucrats and their fucking narcissistic behaviors. I'm so fucking tired of being tired. So fucking tired of being stressed out, of all of us being stressed out and overwhelmed. Moon's done nothing but cry for the last three weeks, Purple Demon has gone comatose, C Bird is/was closed up in his room, pissed off at the world since his twin faded. J Red hasn't left his room either and I has disappeared as well. Everyone is shutting down and I can't handle everything on my own. Green is trying, but overwhelmed, and there's no one who truly understands. Hell, music isn't even helping. There's so many personal realizations that we've gone through and we can't handle everything.

J Red
I wanna talk to our school's T but I'm not sure it's such a good idea. I don't speak so it'd be obvious that something's up. We're falling apart, and we can't pull ourselves together. C Bird just faded into Green. It's odd to have aged... We have no time for ourselves, no time to BE ourselves because we have to hide from everyone, have to fight everything all the time. We're fighting to get the kids back, we're fighting to get our own place to live, we're fighting to get over our fear of driving a car...

Green
We're just always fighting. And it never stops. It's just fight, fight, fight. No wonder R Bird faded. She couldn't handle it. She couldn't deal with the pressure. And now C Bird is gone too. I'm going nuts here too, there's no support, and we can't support each other when all of us are so overwhelmed.

We just want things to go our way for once... To not have to fight tooth and nail all the time for everything.

December 11, 2016: What it's Like Living in the Dark

I live in the dark…

I am one who lives in the closet about my condition… Not because I am unaware… But because I cannot find help. I cannot find understanding. I walk this earth and feel like I am walking to my death.

I am not “crazy”.

I am not a danger.

We are one soul, one being… And all we want is to be ourselves.

To not be ignored because I can’t talk.

T-To n-not b-be s-s-cared…

To be happy

To be safe

To be left the hell alone by those we wish not to interact with.

Ta not be judged cuz we ain’t wired like “normal” people

For the world to know and empathize.

We want empathy. We want understanding. I don’t need my mental acuity questioned. I already know I’m different. I am aware that my mind is viewed as shattered by the rest of the world. I do not want your pity, your scorn.

But it is not just DID that we keep behind closed doors.

It is the PTSD, the anxiety, the depression… The constant, chronic fatigue. The massive headaches that quickly turn to migraines. The light sensitivity that can easily blind us. The overwhelming pain of the depression and anxiety telling us we will never measure up. That we can’t do this or that, when the world expects us to. When the people around us look at us like we are trash, condemning us for something we try our hardest to fight.

Mental illness is not something we chose so happily to bear. Our body goes haywire at the slightest touch or noise. Our anxiety makes us abhore most close contact, our childhood makes us abhore being around people in general.

I am not standoffish. Aloof yes, but put yourself in my shoes:

I grew up with domestic violence in the house.

I was abused in many ways.

I was a ward of the state, a foster child, and bounced from home to home.

My anxiety makes my body go haywire, my depression drains the life out of me. My empathic abilities mean I am constantly bombarded by the feelings and energy of others, and when I’m in a crowd not only is that worse, but so is my anxiety.

I have panic attacks that are never obvious- I have learned to hide them.

My senses are overactive, my nose, my ears my sense of taste and touch. My physical sight might be off but I see much more than you think.

I am Legion, for we are many… But I am just like you. I want peace, I want to live a life that is as normal as possible. The members of my clan are individuals too, and should be treated as such.

But we are not, because the world fears the unknown, and instead of using their compassion, all we get is judgement and scorn, which makes things far worse.

The world turns around you, one who is “normal”, one who is “mentally whole”. For us, for people like me, the world is against us.

We are not broken, we are not “crazy”, we are not dangerous. We are fighters, survivors of some of the worst things imaginable. We did not ask for this. We did not want this. This is not something that will magically disappear. This is our normal, how we survived and fought to live another day. We are moms and dads, aunts and uncles, children or adults. We are white, black, Native American, Russian or Japanese.

We have PTSD, Bipolar Disorder, we can even also be Schizophrenic and depressed. We can be blind, deaf or wheelchair bound.

We are still human. And we deserve compassion and love, not pity, judgement and scorn.

July 26th, 2016: A Major Realization- M

We finally made our way back home... to our forum... and today we found a blog belonging to the spouse of someone with DID... the same thing we have, but the only difference is that we haven't been formally diagnosed yet...

J Red doesn't have a sign for my name yet, so I'll just go with M for now. I'm a protector/defender, but I'm not assigned to just one person in the system. I protect/defend my system...

Anyway, I was reading the spouse's blog and I finally know why I've been wanting to just get up and go... To take our two children and bounce. There's never been anything for me here, and now i know why. Its because we don't have what we need. Our SO doesn't have what it takes to give us what we need to heal and thrive. He's too selfish. He would rather hop on his video games immediately after waking than give Bug a proper breakfast, or heat up a bottle for Junebug.

He'd rather pester us for sexual favors when he knows that a lot of us aren't too keen on doing things like that, because its part of our trauma. He could care less about research, or putting our needs first. He doesn't want to sacrifice, which is why Bug is still in diapers, when he could be fully potty trained/learned right now...

It's why everything is typically calmer when he's gone to work... Hell, now that I think about it it's prolly why Bug is as HN as he is. Bug seems to be an empath, and picks up on energy and emotions rather easily, and there's always a lot of stress in the house it seems and usually doesn't calm down until the SO goes to work. Once he leaves, we're suddenly so exhausted we feel like we're about to pass out.

I've been feeling rather guilty (that's the best way I can describe it) for wanting to leave for the longest. And now I finally know why, thanks to that spouse. Now I know why we feel like things haven't changed, even though things actually have.

So now it my turn to see the T. Not only to prove our existence (or at least mine) but to get her help on getting out of the situation we're in, or at least find a comfortable way of waiting it out until October.

March 22nd: J Red- Dont like the new T

I don't like Evett... She said that she didn't think the body has DID... Just because the medical field has done away with that diagnosis. I felt like she said we didn't exist, but we do. I think Krista's a quack too. They werent lying when they said finding a T that actually knew their stuff when it came to DID was difficult...

So... A bit about me. I'm not ready to share my name yet, so I'll go by my signed name, which is J Red, for now.
I'm a 12 year old male living in a 24 year old woman's body... Even stranger, is the body is currently pregnant. I don't talk. I've tried, but I am mute. I am not the only male to inhabit the mind/body, but I believe I am the youngest.

My purpose is silence and to hold all the anger, hence the way i chose my name to be signed. When you see red, generally it means you're angry or enraged. I have wavy/curly black hair that's to the middle of my shoulders with golden hazel eyes. I'm about 5'3" tall and 110 lbs. My favorite color is silver, and I have mocha colored skin. I am Native American in appearance. My favorite animal is a black wolf.

But back to the subject... Our new T. I don't like her, but this was our first meeting. I have to give her a chance, for R Bird's sake, but I dont like how she insinuated that we didn't exist. I wasnt the only one upset by that. It was suggested that R Bird had Borderline Personality Disorder instead, but a lot of us feel like the BPD diagnosis is just because a T or a Psych doesnt know hoe to make a proper diagnosis (most of the time), and goes with that. Just because we were diagnosed with that as a kid doesnt mean we actually have that...

None of the markers feel like they fit R Bird... She said so herself, and I agree. Some of the markers, such as the dissociative states, and the inability to focus on the positives of something ( I forget the proper definition of that) definitely fit with us, but most do not.

Then this crap with CPS is causing an uproar AGAIN. I really wish people would leave us alone already, and let us live our life in peace.

Sooo... Today's Vent. July 10, 2014 Jay Jay

For a long time I didnt even know anything about DID. I didnt even know it existed. I was blissfully in the dark. But I always felt 'out of the time loop'. I never really had any recollection of losing time... It was nothing like I'd read in the book Sybil. There wasnt anything "classic" that gave me any idea.

Anyway, when I was adopted was when stuff really hit the fan. My mom always said that I was doing stuff when I wasn't. There was always arguments between me, my mom, and one of my sisters. It was never-ending and I was miserable.

There was one time where my mom yelled about going back to sleep when I looked at her like she was nuts. I remember asking what she was talking about and that I was asleep the entire time.

Eventually I went to Job Corps in Chicago to learn a trade. The wellness staff (think school nurses) apparently had lots of contact with my mom and told her stuff that I honestly have no recollection of.

I do remember one incident though. I had run out of meds (that I felt I didn't need anyway) and they were threatening to send me home if I couldn't get more sent up. All I remember is saying that I didn't wanna go home, but apparently I ended up totally flipping out and threatening to kick the wellness staffs' butts. All I remember was arguing with them telling them I didn't want to go home. I ended up going home anyway and I remember my mom asking what happened. I told her flat out what happened and when she said that I threatened the staff I told her I don't remember that. All I remembered was arguing with them, pleading not to be sent home.

While I was home for a week I ended up going to my Uncle Ray's house and apparently there were times I'd be up at night on the phone, which led to my Aunt Denny taking my phone at night. When she mentioned that I was up at night with the phone (to which I said I wasn't) we argued to the point where I said whatever and went to bed without my phone. I ended up talking to Uncle Ray while I was there and that is apparently when he said he talked to some of my personalities.

So fast forward and I remember my mom telling me I had multiple personalities and honestly I didnt believe her. I thought she was lying and trying to bs me.

Fast forward again and I remember being home after housing with my sisters didn't help and I remember reading through my journal and I see something odd. It mentioned the possibility.

Fast Forward one more time and now I'm in my 20s. I live with my boyfriend Matt and I remember talking to my Uncle Ray on Facebook and mentioned what my mom said.

Then he drops the bombshell: "You do have multiple personalities and I've talked to some". Yay whoo right? I believed him and asked him for more details, and he told me. I wasn't having any problems so I didn't worry too much about it...

And now I've found this site and my other personalities are coming out and being rather talkative and I have NO idea what to make of it. I dont know if I'm afraid (I dont exactly feel scared) but I AM really uneasy. To accept them (and I have for the most part) means to accept that what my mom said I did and what the others said I did was actually true... But I didn't do that, but no one else sees it that way. They see my body, and therefore I did it.

I wanna know everything that they remembered but at the same time I know that if they (my mom and sister) tell me I'm gonna be really weirded out because I'm prolly not gonna remember most of it.

July 9th, 2014: An Introduction to DID

DID... Also known as Dissociative Identity Disorder. It used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder...

For a long time I've known I was different. I never could figure out how...

I grew up in a VERY disfunctional family. My biological mother was a heavy substance abuser and smoked cigarettes. My biological father disappeared off the face of the planet, and her boyfriends always were abusive.

The WebMD definition says that "dissociative identity disorder is a severe form of dissociation, a mental process which produces a lack of connection in a person's thoughts, memories, feelings, actions, or sense of identity. Dissociative identity disorder is thought to stem from trauma experienced by the person with the disorder. The dissociative aspect is thought to be a coping mechanism -- the person literally dissociates himself from a situation or experience that's too violent, traumatic, or painful to assimilate with his conscious self."

We literally spilt ourselves in order to survive. Most Medical professionals don't believe it exists and that those who have the condition are making it up or are schizophrenic.

But it is all too real... I wouldn't come to realize why I was having so many problems with my adopted family until I moved out and started living with Matt.